3 reasons why people keep misunderstanding your intention.
And what you can do to turn the table around — and it is not in the way you might think
I was called selfish. But the more I tried to re-justify my actions, the more selfish I sounded. That is not the only time it happened. It happened many time in many different situations.
Like when I was trying to point out a few things that needed changes in a particular project our team was working on. But each time, it came off as selfish and irrelevant. At least to them.
I felt frustrated and angry. I felt terrible when I felt like I was wrongly accused. I was being labelled as something that I believe I am not. I have been misunderstood.
Let’s be real, how often do you find yourselves in such situations? People keep on misunderstanding your intention, where you came off far from what you intended to be. If this happens to you many times, know that it is not their fault. It is your fault.
“Communication (including body language) isn’t about what you intend to say so much as how you’re heard. If you find you’re doing things that always get negative reactions, then you may want to adjust how you’re communicating. This requires being aware how you come across.” -David Bennett-
Your typical response is to let that pass and put the blame on the person you talk to. It feels natural to do that. Almost automatic. But recently I learnt that I can choose to take it into two different directions:
- I can blame that person for taking it wrongly. Blame them for overlooking my true intention and for failing to understand the real context and get frustrated.
- Or see that as a red flag, that something is amiss. I can turn on my ‘detective’ mode.
If you choose the first direction, you are doomed. Choose the second one, and you will gain some valuable life lessons.
If you constantly find yourself having to re-explain or justify your actions to others. It’s time for a change…
When dealing with people, your intention means very little. Many fall victim to ‘the transparency illusion’ — when you believe and expect others can see clearly what you feel, desire and intend despite how little you tried to communicate what is going on inside your minds.
This is why we need to more pay attention to how people see us. It might tell us many things.
REASON #1: Constantly getting misunderstand tells you ”your communication is bad and needs an upgrade”
I learnt this in the hardest way. It was painful. Every time I voiced out my disagreement about certain decisions in the project our team was working on, it always backfired me. I felt they don’t understand what I was trying to say. Other times, I felt they were experiencing tunnel-vision which explains their ignorance. That is why they failed to see the way I see it.
Later I learnt the real culprit was my bad communication skills. I failed to communicate my concerns effectively, where I was seen as the one that is experiencing a tunnel vision. It seems like they get different meaning from what I intend to say. It felt terrible.
Many people thought communication is about your ability to speak well. But really, an effective communication is all about mutual clarity. Not just how well the other person you are talking to get your message, but more importantly, how well you understand what they are communicating. You need to find out what is not being said, their true intentions. Read this communication pitfalls that you might have wrongly committed if you want to understand more.
More often than not, a good communication is not about listening to understand what is being said, but to find out what is not being said.
I also learnt that over-justify myself is always counterproductive. The more I explain, the more I get misunderstood.
So I changed my strategy. Sure they are other hidden reasons I don’t wish to uncover here. But for a start, check out this great article from @DaveBailey about 10 ways how you can speak more effectively. Another way is to communicate with better clarity is by using Use Abe Lincoln’s Foolproof Strategy by communicating ‘what is not your intentions’ to avoid misunderstandings.
In short, whenever you get misunderstood, start by re-evaluating your communication skills. Many people misunderstood that communication is just an ability to speak, but really, good communication skills start when you pay more attention to what other people are feeling and thinking to reach mutual clarity.
REASON #2: Constantly getting misunderstand tells you “it’s time to change your behaviour”
During my early years working in the team project, I tend to submit my project tasks late as I struggled through its unforeseen challenges and the desire to deliver its best version. However, not communicating enough of the project complexities speaks to others that I was ignorant, selfish and have bad teamwork.
No matter what my intentions were — despite my intention of wanting the best for the projects — my behaviours speak different things. I was perceived as the opposite of what I am.
What I need to change is my behaviour. The reason I was labelled as self-centered by others is because my behaviours speaks that.
Most of the time, it doesn’t matter what you think. It doesn’t matter what you true intention is. What actually matters is how the other person view and interpret your behaviours and words. And that is their formed reality.
It is foolish to expect people to understand your true intention just from explaining. You cannot change their filter and expect them to see things the way you see. They simple don’t have time to do in-depth psycho-analysis on you. So you need to show them.
We can’t change their filter and thoughts, but we can influence their filter through our actions.
Once I recognise this, I started to submit the project earlier and get team feedback as fast as I can. I learnt that it is okay to show unfinished work as long as you give enough context to the challenges and the unanswered questions. It allows others to see what you are doing, allowing them to give their inputs.
What speaks to them is you collaborative person and want the best for the team. Plus, making mistakes faster makes you learn faster, which help to lead to better product solution.
To sum up, re-evaluate your past actions, the specific things you said and did in the past that get often people misunderstood. Start by listing it out. Then change your behaviour in accordance to your intention. Don’t over justify when you feel wrongly judged. Instead apologised and show through behaviours that is more align to your true intention.
REASON #3: Constantly getting misunderstand tells you “it’s time to focus less on yourself”
I may had a really good intention for the project I was working on. But because I focused too much on myself — on how much my tasks would give a huge impact on the product solution — I become more and more blind towards other possibilities. I was trapped in my own bubble. My own reality.
My reality was I have the best interest for the team. So I wanted to spend more time on perfecting the products, with the believe that better product solution would pulls more people in and promise higher ROI.
Others reality was they have the best interest to get the revenue return as soon as possible, although having to compromise the product quality, to keep the business running for future expansion. They see that my actions as narrow-minded and selfish.
Others have their own reality too. They might think differently. You may be right, but they may also be right. The problem starts when you become too focused on your own ‘thinking’, which makes you to be more blind to others thoughts. This would lead to ‘the tunnel vision’.
I was experiencing the tunnel vision because I focused too much on myself, my intentions. I focused too much that I forgot to weigh up what the others have on their plates. I forgot to see that others may be right too.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood “ — Stephen R.Covey —
It was a real challenge to learnt to tune in more and to start pay real attention of what they are trying to communicate. Now, I resist the temptation to jump straight at them without putting an effort to first understand others challenges and what they are risking. I learnt to be more considerate and thoughtful by being the last person in the room to speak.
In a nut shell, next time you fell misunderstood, tell yourself that you would need to listen more to what others are saying. You maybe right, but they might also be right. Don’t be foolish and be trapped in your own bubble. Figure out the win-win situation for both parties. You might need to compromise one or two things here but it will be worth it!
Conclusion
Getting misunderstand actually shows your limit, not the other person’s limits. So it does matter what people think of you in this case. It sure is frustrating, but when you start to pay more attention, you will soon realise of what exactly you are lacking.
Remember that people really don’t have enough time to study your true intentions. Most of the time, they are too busy with their own world. How they see us is largely influenced by their own biased-filter that we can’t change.
Explanation and re-justification is not enough. You need to do these three things to improve any misunderstandings.
3 Main Takeaways to Solve Misunderstandings:
- Improve your communication skills to reach mutual understanding and clarity.
- Re-align your behaviours to your intentions
- Start to acknowledge the other person’s true intention — that they may also be right and make wiser decisions!
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